Hope Drained, Hope Restored
by Filmfan221
Summary: Julia's Perspective of "The Tesla Effect" (Season 3 finale)
1. Chapter 1

****Dialogue in italics is directly from the episodes and do not belong to me, but to the writers of "Murdoch Mysteries". I just use them to allow continuity with the backstory.**

He stayed, as if waiting for me to continue explaining my findings. _"How long?"_ he asked.

"_Pardon?"_ We had already determined how long Mr. Garbutt had been dead, but he looked solemn and I had a feeling he was bringing up the conversation that had been interrupted the night before.

"_How long have you been considering leaving your position here?"_ he said it quietly, and I could tell he was hurt and confused.

I opened my mouth to speak, but it was difficult. _"It's hard to say…" _I managed. _"Some time, I suppose."_

"_Because if there is anything that I have said or done…_" he replied.

"_No, William, no," _I assured him. _"It has nothing to do with you."_ I regretted my choice of words as soon as I said them and by the look on William's face, I was hurting him even more, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

"_How can you say that? You're moving to another city."_

"_It's only Buffalo." _I didn't know who I was trying harder to convince, William or myself. _"We can still visit with each other on the weekends."_

"_Visit? If our work doesn't intervene, if our schedules don't clash. You should have consulted me."_ He was right and I knew it, but I had to remain on the path I had now committed myself to.

"_William, I regret not informing you earlier, but…this is my decision to make."_

"_What will happen to us?"_

"_I'm not sure, William,"_ I answered honestly. _"But you know how rarely opportunities come along for a woman in my field. I can't ignore them on the off chance that…"_ What? I asked myself. The off chance that you love me, ask me to marry you? I didn't want to presume and in my defence, I knew William was attracted to me and I him, but how far did that go on his part. I knew I loved him and I was trying to give him the life he deserved, but truthfully, he had never told me how he felt.

"_Julia, I thought we had an understanding,"_ he said.

What exactly does our understanding consist of, William? I thought as I sat down. _"We do…"_ I said softly. _"I just don't know of what anymore. Maybe we'll stay together,"_ I tried to smile hopefully. And then the thought that I'd dreaded since I made this decision came out of my mouth. _"Maybe you'll find another woman who will catch your eye,"_ I laughed half-heartedly. It pained me even to think it, let alone say it out loud.

"_I have no interest in any other woman,"_ he assured me.

I felt somewhat better, but it didn't help me. _"William, I'm just saying, yes, this will be different." _ I got up and took his hands, _"Can't we live with that?"_

He frowned and seemed even more confused as to why I was doing this to him. But I wasn't ready to tell him the truth. The less he knew, the less it would hurt him. If I could get away with it, I didn't plan on telling him at all.

"I'm sorry, William. For not telling you earlier, I honestly regret that, but we can figure something out," I tried to hold back the tears. "Now, I have to get back to work."

He looked in my eyes, searching for the truth, then looked at our hands which were still clasped, nodded gently and left.

I sat down heavily, my head in my hands. Should I tell him? Would it only hurt him deeper? What would he say when and if I told him? I was sure he'd understand, and yet what if it made him even angrier with me? No, it was best not to tell him at all. I swallowed and continued my autopsy on Mr. Garbutt, focusing all my attention into my work, as I had done so many times when emotion threatened to overpower my reason.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next two days, I kept coming up with some small reason to go see William. Had they any more leads, was there anything else I could look for on the body to give them clues, anything so that I could talk to him. Yet, each time I went to the station, he was either talking with the Inspector and Mr. Tesla, or was out finding another clue on his own.

The second day, I went to the station, the Inspector said he'd gone to question Sally Pendrick. I stiffened at the mention of her name, not too visibly, I hoped.

"Is anything the matter, Doctor?" the Inspector asked gently. For the gruff policeman he was on duty, he was remarkably kind and gentle when he needed to be.

I forced a smile. "No, thank you, Inspector, I'll come back later." I left before he had a chance to stop me.

I worked the rest of the day, wondering why William hadn't come to see me, if only to ask about the body. I had finished with my report, however, and there was no need to examine it any further. Still, William usually had some excuse for coming to visit me, even if it was to ask how my day was going. His generosity, kindness, sweet thoughtfulness, and gentle demeanour constantly made me think that I was being a complete idiot for leaving, and then I remembered my larger reason and it brought me back to reality with a harsh snap.

I decided to try once more and headed over to the station. On my way, I bumped into George.

"Doctor," he said cheerfully. "I do hope your evening is going better than ours," he chuckled.

"Why is that George? Has something happened in the case?" I asked, concerned. Maybe George would be able to fill me in, since no one else seemed to be taking the initiative.

"Yes, indeed, Doctor," he said, clearly excited at telling me their latest endeavour. "Detective Murdoch went to Sally Pendrick's house to inquire about some business that Mr. Pendrick had been involved in of late. He found plans of a warehouse there that led him to believe that the microwave death ray was being held there. The Inspector, Detective, Mr. Meyers, and Mr. Tesla and I all went down to the warehouse to confiscate the weapon when we heard it charging up, ready to fire again. Detective Murdoch and Mr. Tesla told us all to get into the troughs of water that were in there and the next thing I knew, it was like I was a potato boiling in a pot of water!"

"Oh my goodness, George! Is everyone alright?" I asked.

"Oh, yes, Doctor, we're all fine. It felt like a rather nice hot bath on a cold day," he smiled.

I smiled back. Leave it to George to find the silver lining. "Is Detective Murdoch in now?"

"Yes, I believe he's questioning Mr. Pendrick in the cells at the moment, but he should be finished soon," he answered.

"Thank you, George," I hurried away, hearing him call goodbye after me.

I ran through the door, finally seeing William walking towards me.

"_William! I just heard what happened. Are you alright?"_ I asked, breathlessly.

"_I'm fine,"_ he assured me.

Now that I was standing in front of him, I was nervous. _"You've been avoiding me,"_ I said, afraid of what the answer might be.

"_No, no, I haven't,"_ he tried to sound convincing. _"But… I do have to go."_

I looked down at our feet, dejectedly as he confirmed my fears.

Suddenly, he brightened. _"We could ride together, I could drop you round to your house,"_ he suggested.

I felt a wave of relief wash over me. _"I would like that,"_ I smiled.

"_Wonderful,"_ he said gently and offered me his arm. I took it and let him lead me out of the station to an awaiting carriage.

While we sat in the carriage, listening to the sounds of passers-by and the clopping of the horse's hooves.

"I wish I understood, Julia," he said softly after a long silence. "I just don't know what is making you leave."

"_It was no one thing,"_ I replied. "_A cumulative effect perhaps. The realization that I only ever work on dead people; my hands heal no one,"_ I said honestly. That was exactly part of it.

It was the botched hanging of Mr. Dillard that made me cringe more than I had for any victim I examined. Perhaps it was because of the sheer incompetency and eagerness of Gideon Catchpole that disturbed me about my profession. I began to question myself then and what it was I was doing with my life. There were so many other avenues of medicine in which I could be useful and as much as I loved assisting William and Station House No. 4 in their investigations and bringing murderers to justice, was it making me happy? Was my life being fulfilled?

"_But why not simply apply at a hospital here in Toronto? Why go all the way to Buffalo?"_ he asked.

"_Because no one is offering me anything here,"_ I said, speaking of the medical profession, but I knew that I also meant William. If he would give me some indication that he needed and wanted me to stay with him forever, I would.

"_That could change,"_ he said hopefully. He didn't catch my implication.

"_Do you really believe that, William?"_ I asked, daring him to actually believe that the medical associations would offer anything to me anytime in the near future.

"_Whoa…"_ the cab driver slowed the carriage and I looked out the window, catching the glow of well-lit homes across the street.

"_We're here," _William stated.

I turned to him, and he leaned into my arms, hugging me to him gently. A clink of metal drew our attention away from each other as we looked down and saw that my locket had been drawn to his badge.

"_How odd,"_ I said, wondering if it was cruel irony.

"_My badge must have become magnetized when the magnetic field was distorted,"_ he proposed.

I smiled inwardly at his scientific and ever practical explanations for the things that happened. Or, I thought to myself, maybe it is fate.

I put my hand to his cheek and kissed him gently. _"Be careful, William,"_ I whispered. Turning to the door, I got out hesitantly. It might be the last time I saw him before I left. I did only have two days left. I wasn't sure I could say goodbye to him and I wasn't sure he'd come say goodbye to me.


	3. Chapter 3

I leaned against the door as I closed it behind me, tears threatening to spill for the umpteenth time this week. Being so close to him made it impossibly hard for me to concentrate on why I was leaving. But I had fought so hard to further myself in my field and I couldn't let his pent up emotions and thoughts sway my future. My tears of sadness suddenly turned to hot tears of anger as they spilled onto my cheeks. Why didn't he have the courage to tell me his feelings? I asked myself angrily. How could I possibly know from our "understanding" if he loves me like I loves him? Why is he so goddamned hard to figure out?

"Miss Ogden?" I heard Mrs. Turner coming from the kitchen.

Wiping the tears away, I called back to her, "Yes, it's me, Mrs. Turner." She had been with me for many years now and it was comforting to come home knowing that someone was there.

"Would you like some tea, dear?" she asked brightly, coming into the front hall.

"That would be lovely, Mrs. Turner," I said, attempting a smile, but I'd given in to my emotions just enough that they soon took over and I was crying again.

"Oh, my dear," she said, her face fell and she took my hands in hers and led me to the parlour. She sat me down on the sofa and put an arm around my shoulders. No one was ever around to comfort me, and I continually steeled myself against my feelings, but this time, I couldn't stop. I leaned into her shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. Mrs. Turner cooed softly and tried to soothe me.

"What's wrong, dear?" she asked once my sobs had subsided.

"I don't know if I'm making the right choice anymore," I choked out.

"About leaving your job?" she coaxed. I knew that's not what she meant, but I followed her subtlety.

"Yes. I do love it, but lately I just don't know where it's leading me. I honestly feel that if I were given a reason to stay, then I would," I explained.

She nodded gently and continued rubbing my back. "And this job in Buffalo, it will give you more?"

"I think so, I hope so. Being head of paediatric surgery in the hospital will open up so many opportunities for me. It will allow me to help people live instead of finding out how they died. Sometimes I love the mystery and puzzles behind it all, and other times it can be so depressing, final, and unfulfilling. Even though we always find the murderer, the person lying in my morgue is still dead."

"Forgive me for being so bold, Miss Odgen, but have you discussed this with Detective Murdoch?" she asked gently.

I couldn't be shocked or angry with her, not when our relationship wasn't a secret and our attraction for each other had not gone unnoticed for years. She knew well how I felt about William.

"Yes," I sighed. "He doesn't understand why I'm going so far. I tried to tell him that things will be different, but I can't let this slip through my fingers, not on the off chance that he…" For the second time that week, I couldn't finish that one thought.

"Loves you." It wasn't a question.

"Yes," I whispered again, verging on tears once more, but choking back a sob.

"He does love you, dear," Mrs. Turner said, taking my face in her hands. I had never been this close with Mrs. Turner before. She was a wonderful woman and the most excellent housekeeper and cook anyone could wish for, but I never truly understood how much she cared for me until this moment and for a second, it was as if she were my mother comforting me as a child when our beloved dog had died, gentle and soothing.

"But how can I be sure of it when he won't come out and tell me so?" I said, frustrating myself all over again.

"Shh," she cooed, wiping the tears from my cheeks. "He does. But, those aren't the only reasons you're leaving, are they?"

How did she know me so well? I wondered affectionately. Twenty years with my family and me and she seemed so in tune with who I was. I shook my head slowly.

"But I can't tell him or it will hurt him even more," I said, another tear slipping down my cheeks.

"Tell him what?" she asked softly, so reassuring I felt I could continue spilling my heart out to her.

I bit my bottom lip, trying to make myself stop crying with the pain, but it didn't work. "I…," I squeaked. I looked into Mrs. Turner's eyes then and they were so kind and understanding that I had no more reason to hesitate with her. "I can't give him the children he so desperately wants."

Mrs. Turner breathed in slowly, squeezing my hands gently, complete sympathy and understanding washing over her face. I saw tears well up in her eyes as well and she hugged me to her.

"I can't stay with him knowing that I can't give him the life he wants. I can't live with that," I moaned.

"Julia," she said pushing me back to face her. It was the first time she had called me Julia. "It isn't fair to him if you continue to keep it from him. He needs to know and you need to find a time before you leave to tell him so. Let him decide how to handle it and I assure you, he will not let you go." She said it so matter-of-factly, I thought she was angry with me. But when I nodded, she smiled gently and rubbed my arms once more.

"It will be the right thing to do," she said.

"Thank you, Mrs. Turner," I whispered sincerely. "For everything."

"After your mother died, you shut everyone out of the world. Your focus and your dedication to university was something I longed to see in a young woman, but while I know losing someone can be the most difficult thing to come to terms with, don't let it consume you and cloud your judgment of what's most important in life. Work and one's career won't comfort you or keep you warm in your old age, my dear."

She patted my cheek once more and then got up to make the tea. I sat there, pondering her words. She was right. After mother had died, my relationship with Ruby and my father became more and more strained. Perhaps if I'd been closer to Ruby she wouldn't be the reckless free spirit she was now. Perhaps if I'd been closer to my father, he could have been the one to comfort me and give me advice when I needed someone to be the reason of my conscience. However, Mrs. Turner was right. I needed to tell William, but as I knew he was extremely busy with this case, I didn't know when. If I couldn't find a time to see him, perhaps a letter would be less painful. Cowardly, yes, but also less painful. I couldn't stand to see it in his eyes.

I sipped the tea Mrs. Turner had made for me, slowly and thoughtfully, feeling the comforting hot liquid travel through me. Mrs. Turner's constant philosophy popped into my head: no matter what the problem, there's nothing like a cup of tea to turn to for comfort.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, I had most of my trunks packed and ready to be carried to the station. My train was at 8:30 the next morning and I needed everything ready as I felt today might be busy at work and I needed a good night's sleep before the ordeal of tomorrow set in.

I busied myself about the morgue, constantly hoping that William would come through the door. At about six in the evening, he did.

"_I hoped I'd find you here,"_ he said earnestly.

"_William, I didn't think I'd see you under the circumstances."_

"_Julia,"_ he paused and took a breath. _"Nothing in this world means more to me than you."_

I looked down, feeling happiness and sadness wash through me all at once. _"William, I…"_

"_And I believed you'd felt the same for me,"_ he said hesitantly, afraid of my response it seemed.

"_But I do,"_ I could feel my throat closing.

He frowned. _"Then I simply don't understand. There must be something you're not telling me,"_ he insisted. I could feel my willpower draining from me and I knew I had to tell him now.

"_Why are you leaving?"_ he asked desperately.

I took a deep breath, hoping to God that my strength would hold out. It was hard to speak and I tried to say something, but nothing came.

William took it as hesitancy and insisted further. _"Julia, please,"_ he begged. _"I have to know."_

Tears were now filling my eyes and I saw his anguish through blurred vision.

"_Very well,"_ I finally managed. _"Ever since the kidnapping of the Inspector's son, it's been clear to me how much you want a family. But, my abortion…"_

"_That means nothing to me," _he interjected quickly. Too quickly, I feared, knowing that it was what he thought was pushing me away. _"We've put it in the past," _he insisted.

I couldn't bear the hope that I could see building in his eyes. It made what I had to say next even harder. _"William,"_ I stopped him_, "It left me sterile,"_ I said finally.

The hope drained. I kept explaining, knowing that if I didn't keep talking, I would break down at any second. As it was, my throat was blocked, I could barely breathe and my eyes were burning with tears. _"I should have told you before now, but I…I was frightened… of losing you, to something I couldn't control, and so I decided to assert control myself."_

The tears swimming in William's eyes pained me more than ever. _"By leaving?"_ he asked. I couldn't tell if he was crying in sympathy for me, the fact that I was leaving, or the fact that staying with me meant a childless future for him, or maybe it was all three.

"_It's for the best,"_ I said. He tried to say something, but I stopped him. _"Well, isn't it?"_ I felt so horrible, smiling to cover up my own pain and despair. _"This way you can meet a woman who can give you the life you deserve."_

Shock overtook William and he struggled to say something, anything.

"_William, please say something,"_ I begged, fearing what that might be.

"_I don't know what to say,"_ he breathed. His forehead was furrowed in confusion and desperation. He was crying obviously now and I wanted to hug and kiss him and tell him how sorry I was and that everything would be okay and that I wouldn't leave, but would stay with him forever, but he remained silent.

"_Yes. Well that says it all, doesn't it?" _

"_No, no, I…"_ I desperately wanted him to reassure me that it didn't matter to him and that we would find another way, but as always, the door to the morgue opened and George stepped in.

"_Sir,"_ he called.

Of all the times he interrupted us, this one was the most maddening. I found myself terribly angry, wanting to yell at him to leave, but instead I looked away, not wanting him to see us in such a state and tried to swallow back the tears.

"_I think we have something,"_ he continued, oblivious to our distress.

"_Yes, George,"_ I heard William choke out and George left.

I waited for the inevitable.

Barely audible, and with tears still spilling onto his face, William whispered, _"I have to go." _

I nodded, smiling gently, knowing that his work would always be a priority, through no fault of his own. Besides, I told myself, his not saying anything was all I needed. I knew he wanted to, but the fact that he didn't jump at the chance to stop me made me realize it was for the best.

"_Yes,"_ I breathed. I couldn't look him in the eye. I couldn't bear to watch him.

He turned and walked out. I choked out another sob and put my hand on the morgue slab, steadying myself as I felt my knees go weak. When the door closed behind him, I couldn't hold it in any longer and I collapsed onto the floor, sobbing into my hands. My body shook with a force I had never felt before. How could I have done this to him? How could he have done this to me? Why hadn't he fought more and waited before running off to the case? Why wasn't I more important? My sobs echoed through the morgue and I prayed no one passing by could hear me.


	5. Chapter 5

I couldn't continue working. I needed sleep and I knew well that it wouldn't come until the early hours of the morning. And I was right. I tossed and turned, cried again and finally worked myself into exhaustion and fell asleep around five in the morning. When I awoke an hour earlier, I felt like someone had taken a hammer to my head as it pounded incessantly. I bathed, dressed, did my hair and packed a few final items and then went downstairs where a porter was loading my luggage onto the carriage. I said goodbye to Mrs. Turner, promising her I'd write often, and then I stepped into the carriage, taking one last look at my home.

I arrived at eight o'clock and watched the bustle of people as porters loaded baggage into the last car, and families hugged and kissed each other goodbye, then stepped on the train. Some cried tears of sadness, others tears of joy and the prospect of return. I sat in the waiting area, hoping against hope that he would show up, begging me not to leave. But when I looked at the clock on the station wall and read twenty-five minutes after eight, I knew it was no use. I had hurt him too deeply and he didn't want to see me again.

I stepped onto the platform, looking around me, telling myself that he wasn't here, yet still expecting to see his face in the crowd. I walked slowly to the train, almost wishing that if I walked slowly enough, it would leave and I would miss it. But when I got to the stairs and it hadn't left and no one had called me back, I knew I had to go. I took one more look at the station which was so familiar to me and that meant Toronto and home, and walked up the steps. I found a seat by the window and watched as the final passengers boarded the train. As I observed the loved ones still on the platform waving their handkerchiefs at their families on the train, I realized how stupid and selfish I was being, or perhaps not selfish enough. We could find another way to have children, we could adopt. Why should I leave and make both of us so miserable when I knew that we needed to be together. I would never find anyone whom I loved as much as William and I knew it was the same for him. We had both tried to find others before and failed, and even though my abortion went against everything William believed in, he loved me in spite it, in spite of all my faults.

That day he arrived at the hot air balloon and told me that nothing had been right since our falling out over my abortion, I knew. When he jumped into that basket and we sailed through the sky, I knew nothing in the world meant more to me than him. And when I thought he had gone missing and was dead somewhere only a few months later, I knew I couldn't risk losing him again. And yet, when I saw the look on his face when he watched a father with his children, it broke my heart to know that I had brought about failure in my role as a woman and I so desperately wanted to give William the children he wanted. But, as much as it pained me to know I couldn't give him children, it tore me apart to think of him having children with another woman. I couldn't allow us to be apart any more. As I felt the train lurch forward, I grabbed my reticule and my hat box and ran to the car door. The porter was just about to pull up the stairs when I demanded that he help me down. I jumped off the stairs before the train picked up any more speed and began walking toward the line of hansom cabs waiting on the other side of the station.

"_Julia_!"

I whipped around, seeing him run toward the train, only to stop in defeat as it sped away. I looked at his back and then noticed he held something in his hand. As he clutched at it tightly, I saw it was a ring box. I took a breath and walked toward him. He turned around slowly and looked up.

Relief and delight washed over me as I breathed heavily, still excited at the prospect of staying with him. He walked toward me, purposefully, and I laughed softly. His hands grabbed my waist, making me inhale sharply. Our lips met briefly, but it felt like the sweetest kiss we'd ever shared. He hugged me to him tightly and I wrapped my arms around his neck, determined never to let him go again.


	6. Alternate Ending

**I did gear my ending toward the deleted scene from the show, and I liked it, but my own ending also popped into my head and I decided to write it here as well! I hope you enjoy and thank you for all your wonderful reviews :) It's very encouraging!**

I arrived at eight o'clock and watched the bustle of people as porters loaded baggage into the last car, and families hugged and kissed each other goodbye, then stepped on the train. Some cried tears of sadness, others tears of joy and the prospect of return. I sat in the waiting area, hoping against hope that he would show up, begging me not to leave. But when I looked at the clock on the station wall and read twenty-five minutes after eight, I knew it was no use. I had hurt him too deeply and he didn't want to see me again.

I stepped onto the platform, looking around me, telling myself that he wasn't here, yet still expecting to see his face in the crowd. I walked slowly to the train, almost wishing that if I walked slowly enough, it would leave and I would miss it. But when I got to the stairs and it hadn't left and no one had called me back, I knew I had to go. I took one more look at the station which was so familiar to me and which mean Toronto and home, and walked up the steps. I found a seat by the window and watched as the final passengers boarded the train. He's not there Julia, I told myself. And he's not coming. The train lurched forward and seemed to leave the station faster than normal. I leaned my head against the window's edge and sighed deeply.

"_Julia_!" My head snapped up and I looked around. No one else seemed to have heard anything and I shook my head. I had heard it and there was no mistaking his voice. It wasn't my imagination. The train was picking up speed, but I dashed to the end of the train and stepped onto the back platform. I saw him standing there, straightening in anticipation and disbelief.

"William," I gasped. "William!" I yelled to him.

"Julia!" he called back.

I looked around quickly, trying to figure out what to do and I saw the emergency rope which would signal to the conductor to stop. I mentally apologized to the train full of people and pulled the rope hard, then held onto the railing for dear life. The train screeched to a halt and lurched as the brakes set in. I ran down the steps of the platform, picked up my skirts and sprinted to William, who was running to me as well.

I didn't slow down, but launched myself into his arms, causing him to tumble backward with me landing on his chest. We gasped as I had the wind knocked out of both of us, but I clung to him until I could get a breath.

"I'm so sorry, William," I cried into his neck, still lying prostrate on top of him. "I was such a stupid fool and I'm so sorry!"

"Shh," he said gently, sitting up with me in his lap and holding my back and my head against him. "Everything is fine now. I was going to get on the next train to come find you and beg you not to leave me and to give you this."

I looked up to see him holding a silver case in his hand, a ring case and gasped. "William!" I breathed.

"I realize this isn't the proper position for a proposal, but, Julia Ogden, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes, of course I'll marry you!" I squealed and flung myself over him again, knocking him back into the grass. I pushed back and looked at him, deliriously happy and kissed him soundly. He chuckled against my mouth and I broke away, somewhat embarrassed at my public display. He grasped my neck in his hand and pulled me toward him again.

I was distantly aware that everyone was watching us and as I opened my eyes and looked around, people were grinning, some were clapping, and the porter was still standing on the stationary train, shaking his head in amusement. I giggled like a little girl and got up off William. He stood up as well, brushing grass and dirt from his suit and hugged me to him tightly.

"I love you Julia Ogden, and nothing you have done or will do can ever change that," he whispered in my ear.

I tightened my hold around his neck and he broke away, only to pull me to him once more in a searing kiss that told me he meant it with all his heart.


End file.
